Lindsay Lohan Makes Me Feel Better About Myself

Lindsay Lohan and I are the same age. Whenever I'm having a particularly low-self-esteem day, I think about what Lindsay must be up to and it makes me feel infinitely better about myself. Now, this says a lot, when you think that I was laid off from a pretty un-glamorous job to begin with, I still live at home with my parents, and my current job options right now are keep my fingers crossed for unemployment OR become get my old job slaying tables at the Texas Roadhouse back. I mean seriously, I'm in no position to be laughing at someone right now, because they could just point a finger back at me and ask, Hey what did you do all day? And, I would have to run down my day which involved a strict television schedule that includes Ellen, Blind Date, Beverly Hills 90210 and an occasional Tyra, which I wouldn't necessarily call leading a fulfilling life.

Lindsay is your friend who you thought was so cool when you first met her (in say, ninth grade). All the boys liked her and she had really cool older friends who would sneak her alcohol and pot. You thought Lindsay was the most hip friend ever. Then, as you got older and started getting over the party scene, Lindsay is your friend who just can't get over it and still gets black out drunk every night and hooks up with a different guy. Lindsay's had a couple STD's and pregnancy scares. Well past the age where those kinds of little mishaps are deemed life lessons. You start to think maybe Lindsay isn't so cool anymore. Maybe she's just straight up trash.

What would make Lindsay somehow interesting to me is if she stopped partying, cut off her hooker extensions, stopped getting freakish botox injections all over her face, stop wearing gothic slut attire and seriously seriously stop doing crack. If she emerged in say, three months with healthy, shorter red hair and a fresh face with minimal makeup, I really might do a double take. If she got her GED I would be so proud. If she, gasp, went to college and got a degree in something like Medieval and Renaissance Studies and later get a job as an editor for Pendant Publishing in the Education department I would join the Lindsay Lohan bandwagon. We could go out for a beer (or apple cider) and vent to each other about annoying co-workers. Until then, Lindsay, whenever I'm feeling really depressed about being a college-educated, former over achiever, currently unemployed middle class American, I will google-news you. It always makes me feel better about myself.