The Hills has been cancelled, and the Economy has once again killed another career dream of mine.

So they announced that this coming season of the Hills will be the last one. boom. done. dreams shattered. What will all my friends like Lo, Audrina, Justin-Bobby, Steph, Lisa Love (who is a real person, I found that out during one of my PR internships...I was like WOW she actually exists!) and Jen Bunny do now??? What about one of my favorite Hills stars, NANA!!

She was my fav. How can one go back to playing bingo and watching The Price is Right every day after experiencing the glamor and fame of The Hills? Cruelty to seniors.

But most importantly, did they not think about ME? Did they not know that one of my career fall back plans was to be featured character on the Hills? Once again, the economy has stepped in and killed me dreams. I would have been PERFECT for the Hills. Perfect. Here are my qualifications:

• Fake Blonde
• Love to shop
• Love to gossip
• Like to make nicknames for boys
• I like headbands
• I would be 100% down for plastic surgery if monetary funds allowed (which they would if I were making 75 grand an episode, hello). 
• I could do nothing but sit around playing solitare at a job all day
• I can gchat really intensely and make it look like I am hard at work (oh wait maybe that's the City)
• I know how to print labels (I'm looking at you Stephanie Pratt)
• I like Sushi
• I like sunbathing
• I can arrange clothes on a rack like no one's business. 
• I'm not that smart 
• I say like alot
• I can engage in pointless conversations with great enthusiasm
• I can date douchebags
• I can play X box with Spencer

SEE! God, I would be PERFECT on the Hills. I had it all planned out too. I was going to be Lo's friend from college (because unfortunately I did go to college, and that makes me a minority on the Hills, but so did Lo) and I would get into huge beef with Audrina because she would sleep with my fake boyfriend and she looks like a cross-eyed chipmunk and I would work as Kelly Cutrone's accountant at People's Revolution with Lauren and Whitney and we would go out all the time and go to lunch all the time and I would be Blonde Tan and Skinny and life would be wonderful. Oh yeah, also making 100 grand an episode, so like, my salary would be a bajillion dollars and I would take over the world with that money and find a cure for cellulite.

But no, dreams CRUSHED. Thanks alot MTV. Now looks like I need to focus on getting on More to Love Season 2 or Blind Date.

Man, I'm going to miss the Hills. Hearing "Unwritten" every Monday at 10 was such a big part of my college education. And I leave you with this:

ahhhh hahahahaha

Oh Linds. Watch out for those Cactus gardens.

I shoudn't laugh because I've definitely been there before, but the way she shrieks before she goes down just gets me ever time.

Lindsay Lohan Makes Me Feel Better About Myself

Lindsay Lohan and I are the same age. Whenever I'm having a particularly low-self-esteem day, I think about what Lindsay must be up to and it makes me feel infinitely better about myself. Now, this says a lot, when you think that I was laid off from a pretty un-glamorous job to begin with, I still live at home with my parents, and my current job options right now are keep my fingers crossed for unemployment OR become get my old job slaying tables at the Texas Roadhouse back. I mean seriously, I'm in no position to be laughing at someone right now, because they could just point a finger back at me and ask, Hey what did you do all day? And, I would have to run down my day which involved a strict television schedule that includes Ellen, Blind Date, Beverly Hills 90210 and an occasional Tyra, which I wouldn't necessarily call leading a fulfilling life.

Lindsay is your friend who you thought was so cool when you first met her (in say, ninth grade). All the boys liked her and she had really cool older friends who would sneak her alcohol and pot. You thought Lindsay was the most hip friend ever. Then, as you got older and started getting over the party scene, Lindsay is your friend who just can't get over it and still gets black out drunk every night and hooks up with a different guy. Lindsay's had a couple STD's and pregnancy scares. Well past the age where those kinds of little mishaps are deemed life lessons. You start to think maybe Lindsay isn't so cool anymore. Maybe she's just straight up trash.

What would make Lindsay somehow interesting to me is if she stopped partying, cut off her hooker extensions, stopped getting freakish botox injections all over her face, stop wearing gothic slut attire and seriously seriously stop doing crack. If she emerged in say, three months with healthy, shorter red hair and a fresh face with minimal makeup, I really might do a double take. If she got her GED I would be so proud. If she, gasp, went to college and got a degree in something like Medieval and Renaissance Studies and later get a job as an editor for Pendant Publishing in the Education department I would join the Lindsay Lohan bandwagon. We could go out for a beer (or apple cider) and vent to each other about annoying co-workers. Until then, Lindsay, whenever I'm feeling really depressed about being a college-educated, former over achiever, currently unemployed middle class American, I will google-news you. It always makes me feel better about myself.

Kristen Stewart and I Have Similar Taste and Similar Body Problems

HELLO GORGEOUS!

Hello, I'm beyond obsessed with this little number. I think it is so adorable yet sexy yet badass. Cute but at the same time vixen-y. The color just pops. What is it? Pink? like the prettiest boldest hot pink ever? Kstew's hair and make-up even look great. She's doing a kind of peaches and cream thing with her cheeks that looks so good, especially with this hot colored dress. The black pumps also work, if she had done a matching color shoe, it would have looked prom-y.

Kristen call pull this off. Almost. She has the top part down. She's pretty flat chested so she can pull something slightly risque off without looking like a porn star (which I have that problem, unfortunately), and she has great legs so the length (very very short) looks great. But it's slightly bunching in the middle - making her look like she has a beer gut, pregnant, or ate alot of spaghetti for lunch. I don't think she has any of these issues, so I'm going to go with - Kristen has a short torso. I have the same problem. Dresses always look stupid on me because I have no waistline, a short torso, and big boobs. I either look like a dumpy Polish immigrant, or a really cheap cocktail waitress at Larry Flint's Hustler Club. For example, here's this dress on the actual model during Fashion Week. 

Hmmm...see Kris? No bunching. No gut. Well, maybe a little but it looks good because the model actually has a long torso - that bitch. It's a shame because I bet she does what I do. If I see a dress, I will just assume it looks good on me. I'll be like, it will look good on me, and if not, I'll loose 15 pounds in a week or so and then I can wear this. Swear to god I've done this with about 10 dresses and they are all still hanging in my closet waiting for those fifteen pounds to be shed. Any day now.

Kate Moss is my Fav

and her hair is so shiny!

I Like Bad Boys

I'm currently watching Sex and the City (on HBO ondemand, Thanks Mom and Dad). I can not help but have a soft spot for Richard Wright, the sleazy hotel millionaire who cheats on Samantha.  He's actually always been one of my favorite Sex and the City beau's - him and Mr. Big, another asshole. I've come to realize that I'm always attracted to the bad guys in all tv shows and movies. I think that says something about my psyche. But, before I even think about that, here are TV guys I would instantly marry:
Obviously Richard

And Mr. Big - yum

Sawyer from Lost. This guy is straight up white trash but I would have hot jungle sex in cages with him in a split second. In the choice of Jack or Sawyer, I choose Sawyer every time.

Chuck Bass. Yup. Yeah, so what if he has hookers and does lots of cocaine and skeezes on Blaire all the time, I would still. And in real life he has the hottest accent evuh.

Willoughby from Sense and Sensibility. Don't laugh.  I'm serious! Willoughby was SO HOT. and he was way better for spunky Marianne Dashwood than nice but boring old Colonel whatshisname. Too bad his fortune was riding on his future wife's dowry, because they would have made an Elizabeth Bennet/Mr. Darcy sparks match. Maybe when I finally mature I will understand Jane Austen's choice here.

 Daniel Cleaver from Bridget Jones' Diary. Yum. So bad. I also love that he's her boss. He's also really bad/hot in the book. I secretly wanted Bridget to end up with him the whole movie. Shhh..don't tell anyone.

ALL TIME FAVORITE BAD BOY THAT I LOVE: Rhett Butler. If you've read the book, then you know what I'm talking about when I say "the stairs scene." Rhett > Ashley 4evuh.

That's More Like It, Boyfriend

I have many fantasies involving the olden times. I think it's the clothes. Clothes were just way more sexy back then. More complicated. Harder to get off. So, Boyfriend here took my advice and knew he wanted me to see him in a romantic period drama, and voila! He looks smashing.

Here is my lover filming a little movie called Bel Ami where he has lots and lots of sex. I read somewhere that he has a huge orgy scene. I don't see my boyfriend as the Orgy type, necessarily.  I mean, he's my boyfriend so I shouldn't talk shit about him, but I don't....I kind of....ahhh....I can see him being slightly bad in bed. There, said it. It's out. I could see him being super shy in bed. Oh boyfriend don't hate me.

But whatever, I have a lonely Friday night ahead of me and these pictures of Boyfriend in costume should hold me over for awhile.

P.S. How sexy is that scowl? VERY Mr. Darcy. rawr! 

Speaking of Whitney...

I MISS LAUREN CONRAD!

I feel like I am best friends with Lauren and suddenly we've just lost touch. That magical friendship just isn't there anymore. See, I grew up with Lauren. I started watching Laguna Beach DAY ONE and continued through the Hills to the very last episode she was on where she became the bigger woman and went to Heidi's wedding to her worst enemy and told Heidi she looked gorgeous (when she looked like a cheap version of Bridal Barbie, but that's a different day). I have always been a die-hard Team Lauren supporter. I just feel like she makes the mistakes and goes through the same shiz all us 20 something girls go through (except it's being filmed...and she was loaded to begin with...and she gets sweet internships without a college degree or anything, but whatever). I mean, she's dated assholes (we've all dated assholes), she's dated nice but boring guys (that random dude Doug who's now dating Paris Hilton...WTF?), she's had to go through losing her best friend to a guy she knew was a jerk (WE'VE ALL HAD FRIENDS WHO HAVE DATED LOSERS and we just had to deal with it, am I right????), she's had work dramz, she's had roomate drama (Audrina and Lo). I mean, everything she goes through I'm like, "Wow I TOTES identify" and I feel really close to her. Just how in a perfect world, I'd like to think Diane Kruger is sexy hot version of me, I'd like to think LC's life is like my life but with wayyyyy more money and a better job (haha A job) and in LA. And once the producers of the Hills brought back that skankbitchwhore Kristen to the show, I had to say, Audieu the Hills, from now on I am ONLY a City and Jersey Shore kind of girl.

Lauren, I owe you many things, including:
The Side Braid
High Wasted Pants
The phrase "You Know What You Did" and "Chinoisa-what?"
Wearing your jeans with the bottoms roled up once with Ballet flats
Headbands (Season 1, The Hills)

And you know I will be shopping her new line at Kohls...with all the money I'm making being unemployed and all. 

Whitney Port's Legs Deserve Their Own Reality Show

I'm short and stubby so I appreciate a pair of long skinny legs like I appreciate my unemployment checks. 

Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwww. How does she even stand up? I've always noticed she had long skinny legs on the hills but this outfit shows they are practically stilts. This reminds me of something mi Madre told me that rich Japanese women are getting surgery to lengthen the bones in their legs to make them taller. "Such a cruel race" as Bridget Jones' mom would say. I wonder if that will be on Jessica Simpson's new reality show?

Now, if she would only DYE HER FREAKING HAIR EITHER BROWN OR BLONDE! That irks me so much. She's rocking my natural hair color right now, and it's not pretty. 

This is also a glorified morning after ensemble if I ever saw one. Heels, guys blazer, little dress (is it?) underneath. 

And why is she wearing one of Ricky Riccardo's night club jackets from I Love Lucy? Ay Carumba! I guess the new trend is Cuban pre-revolutionary night club. That Whitney, such a trend setter.

Love the shoes but they don't go with her Morning After Accidentally Sleeping with Desi Arnez circa 1956 outfit.

But she has the blessing of Kelly Cutrone, Saint Don't Cry in the Office, so I totes respect her and would wear this to my next job interview.

The Curious Case of Suzy Amis

James Cameron's wife is only 46 years old.

Hey Suzy, I'm 23 and I still get carded. Maybe you should take some advice from me.

1. Please get botox. All over your face dearie.
2. Please dye your hair something to cover up the gray. A lovely shade of caramel perhaps? with highlights? Gray only looked good on Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada. You look like a Ukrainian Grandmother fresh off the boat.
3. Here is one of my favorite get fat quick meals. Whenever I'm feeling depressed, these are my solid go to picks. Gyro with fries and extra yogurt sauce. OR you could do a cheeseburger with fries with lettuce, tomato, fried onions, mushrooms, BACON and lots and lots of mayonnaise. Anyways, eat these two meals for a week and do not exercise. It's worked for me!
4. Do not show your shoulders.
5. Go tanning

Although these things may not be the healthiest choices, I think they would drastically improve this whole World War II famine look you've got going here. Call me if you want any more recipes for How to Gain Weight ASAP meals.

The "Jo-Bro" are Painfully Lame

I hate hate hate the Jonas brothers. I'm sure they are all nice kids and what not, but I hate the Disney Virgin franchise that they have become. They are basically making all dead rockers spin in their grave. In order of uncoolness, it goes

Most Uncool: The oldest one who just got married to the New Jersey stylist (actually, that kinda gives him slightly more street cred because this chick was REALLY Jersey and a hair stylist, two of my favorite things).

More Uncool: Joe Jonas (i think he's the middle one...I'm not even going to look it up it's not worth my unemployed time, I could be doing better things like drinking more water).

Exhibit A Joe Jonas:

 The worst attempt at trying to look cool and coming out a tool. Hey that rhymes. How uncool of me!

Less Uncool than his brothers:
The youngest one I actually think is kind of adorable, like your little brother trying to be a cool rock star. I can't really say anything bad about him because what is he, like 5? Kindergartners get a free pass on this blog.

I mean look at him:

 

Awwww. I just want to pop in a Disney movie and make him Kraft Mac and Cheese for lunch. Youngest Jonas brother please make me your babysitter!

Oscars Drag Queen: Serena Williams

Like Seriously. That's a man in a really pretty frilly ball gown.

Carey Mulligan: The Classic Case of Dressing Incorrectly for Your Haircut

Carey Mulligan is the cutest thing since cabbage patch dolls. Not many people could pull off a pixie. Yours Truly would look like you average female professional bowler if I had a pixie cut.

Carey looks darling. She has such cute delicate features and her haircut does a great job a highlighting them. But, she doesn't dress right for a pixie. For example, this disaster...

She looks like a new age modern day housewife on date night. She just doesn't look very...cool.

I would love to see Carey go 60's retro. Don't you think she would look great in a mini dress? She should dress and accessorize the way my icon Sienna Miller dressed when she cut her hair short for Factory Girl. Learn from the pros Carey: 

Could My Amy be Back in Business?

Wow - my Ames looks great!

I'm really proud of her, even though one of the things on my Bucket List is to go to an Amy Winehouse concert and be cussed at and spit on by her (Amy Winehouse fans know what I'm talking about), but I am happy that she's not on her deathbead. Don't clean up too much though Amy, I like you just the way you are. I mean, WTF is this?? 

Giving your hard-earned cash to CHARITY? Amy, girl you got bills to pay hunny. To your dealer.

My Reaction to the Eclipse Trailer

Hey Everyone check me out watching the Eclipse Trailor!



hahahaha. ok ok that's not me! BUT! I had kind of a similar reaction. I , too, was like "What's wrong with her hair?" when I saw that scraggly mess. I know it's a wig, but that is a dollar store wig if I ever saw one! dammmmmmmmmmmmn!

Girls like this make my life worth living.

I'd Like to think of Diane Kruger is A Sexier Version of Me

Here she is being all European and Sexy in Marie Claire UK.

I love her tights.

Boyfriend on the View - He is Such a Charmer!

omg omg omg omg My boyfriend was SO CHARMING on the View! He's so adorable. I'm planning our wedding date right now. I feel bad for Claire Littleton though, she's completely overlooked (obviously he's thinking about me so that's why he's not really paying attention to her). I LOVE that he brought his family with him!! And they look so normal! And his sisters are going to be the best sisters in law ever, I just know it.

Barbara Walters totally lost her shit over him too. My new competition. You better watch it Barb. Sherri Sheppard is also wearing her Church outfit so you know she was excited about it too.

Boyfriend needs to not cross his legs though. I think crossing your legs is very feminine. He needs to work on that. Or I can write it off because he's British.



In all serious, I wonder if Emilie de Ravin is SO ANNOYED doing press with my boyfriend. He really does get all the attention. That would so not fly with me. Girl has the patience of an angel.

This also made me really happy.

Kate Gosslin is Scary

I kind of love the story of Kate Gosselin because it's fascinating. Sad, but fascinating. Like, could I write a powerful screenplay about a really nice normal girl who marries this kinda lame guy who she loves and then they can't conceive so they spend all their money on fertility treatment and end up having eight kids and get a tv show deal and then everything spirals out of control? A Shakespearean tragedy indeed.

I also think the Gosselin kids are a-d-o-r-a-b-l-e. The little ones. The two twin girls are spoiled brats, you can totally tell in the show. Of course I know it's child labor what they are doing to those poor kids when they have to recite lines to the camera, but I'm shallow enough that I think it's entertaining and I watch it. No shame.

However, look at Kate now:

Adore her bitch face. Like she's going to throw her cell phone at her assistant Naomi Cambell Style. She also thinks she's better than everyone. Love it. haha.

I mean, she looks great but she does not look like the mother of nine kiddos. My mom only had two kids and she would never come close to looking like that. Her hair is perfect. It's very Connecticut Housewife. I wonder if she's gold digging? I would if I were her. But she seems to love to work and loves to put her kids to work. Can't wait to see her on Dancing with the Stars. Something tells me she's going to really suck and they will kick her off early. She's also probably a pain to work with. Pity the dancer who gets her as a partner. I'm excited to watch the transformation of Kate Gosselin. Can't wait till she start's getting really obvious plastic surgery.

As for one of my favorite entertainer of 2009, John Gosselin, I haven't seen or heard from him lately. John where are you? Call me, I'm funemployed too! We can totally hang out and have tequila shot contests. I would win! I can get this cRuNkED too if I really put my mind to it.

Kristen Stewart is Getting Much Better at Interviews....which says alot....

Kstew has gotten so so much better at interviews. She was on the Tonight Show and for once I wasn't cringing for her while watching it. She's actually almost charming. Almost. and she can finally complete sentences! Yea! Our little weirdo is maturing. This is just so much better than when the first Twilight came out and she was working the promotional rounds. I remember watching her interviews and feeling so uncomfortable for her, and like, routing for her to get through the interview and then give her a cyber pat on the back and saying "girl you did great" like you do for your friends when they have a job interview or something like that. Watching those interviews, I just remember thinking this chick is either stoned or a complete spaz.



I wonder if she just gets nervous? That would be endearing to me because I feel like so many young kids in Hollywood are starving for attention and never get nervous because THEY JUST WANT TO GET FAMOUS DAMMIT (I'm looking at you Amanda Bynes, Hilary Duff, Heidi Montag, etc. etc.). My favorite part of this interview is when she says that she's very proud of her performance at the Oscars because she didn't horribly mess up. How cute! I do the same thing. If I have a conversation and completely avoid an awkward moment, I totally compliment myself afterwards. Good Job Serena Van der Woodsen! I think she's being genuine here.

Ok, I like Kstew much better now after watching this interview. Kstew is the really quiet girl who lives on your college dorm hall, who you think is super weird because she's so shy. She's always in her room reading hipster literature. But once you start to know her, and she's opens up to you, she's really cool. Yup, that's my analysis.

Taylor Lautner is Unintentionally Funny

First of all, how ridiculous/amazing is it that the Twilight franchise can produce previews for a trailer? And the suckers like me gobble it up. And watch it. Twice. Thrice.

But Taylor Lautner's line made me seriously LOLZ!!!1!! (a.k.a. Tom Cruise Junior)

"I'll fight for you...until your heart stops beating."

haha oh kid. Please take some acting lessons. I could have delivered that line with more umph. I know he is 18 years old and has no friends and no real girlfriends ever because hes been pimped out by his parents his whole life and never had a real childhood, but seriously? At least you should be a good romantic side-lead.

As for my boyfriend, sigh....He's perfect. And don't tell me that he's a bad actor because I will hunt you down. I am a crazy Twilight fan. Team Edward.

Oscars Butterface: Hilary Swank

Maybe I'm just jealous because if I wore that dress, I would be arrested. But let's please face the facts. Hilary Swank has one of the horsiest faces I have ever seen. Let's look at her roles: Boys Don't Cry (shudder shudder), Million Dollar Baby, and mostly recently, Amelia, which looked like a total piece of poop. She's not cast for playing pretty girls. I saw her in P.S. I love you and she was horrendous. She just does not pull off cute, pretty girl in the slightest. So why whip out the skankiest dress she could find?

Either:
A. Amelia was a big slap in the face and she realized she's actually not a good enough actress to play dowdy looking chicks. She's starting to think that sex sells. and by the looks of this dress girlfriend is selling it.

B. She does not want to be known as that manly looking chick anymore. She's so over her Boys Don't Cry days.

C. Hil dawg wants a boyfriend!!!!

In my mind, I'd like to think that she just wants a boyfriend and is going through the I still need to prove that I'm hot stage. Sadly, this dress does nothing for me but make me think that she is insecure. Which I never thought of Hilary Swank. Ugly, yes, insecure, no. And that makes me sad. Hollywood is a rough town ya'll.

That said, boy she has an amaaazing body. You go girl. Still a slutty dress, but at least you look great in it!

(haha, I just scrolled up and looked at this dress again. Expensive Russian prostitute is the phrase that came to mind on second inspection.)

Although I'm Pissed He's Cheating on Me....

 

I have to admit that Edward Cullen and Claire Littleton do make quite an adorable couple.

Best Oscar Hair: Kate the Great Winslet

Flawless. Beautiful. Elegant. Winsome. Fabulous.

I can not describe the awesomeness that is Kate Winslet. In my book, she can do no wrong. Her hair was utter perfection. Beautiful color. Shiny. Smooth. Old Hollywood Glamor. You know how I love blondes in gold. Sometimes I think that Kate's hair does not do her justice, but it sure did here.

I put a picture of Kate this year verse Kate last year because a lot of evil skanks out there in the blogosphere are saying that my Kate had work done. I really don't see it, but judge for yourself. I have nothing against plastic surgery, in fact, I can't wait to get my first liposuction (as soon as I find rich husband #1), so if Kate had work done, I would not judge. She still looks great and that's all that matters. Outer beauty is the most important thing of all.

Oscar I miss you - Boyfriend Edition

Hey Boyfriend, where were you on Sunday night? I missed you! Oscar night was not the same without you in a tux. It's ok I forgive you, you just didn't know who to take because I was way too busy and important to go to the Oscars with you. Maybe next you I'll make room in my busy schedule. In the meantime, I'm just looking forward to your new movie that comes out this Friday that could either be horrendous or good (truthfully, I'm thinking it might be melodramatic and sappy which I hate but I'll forgive you). See boyfriend, I see you more in a romantic period drama, say, a Jane Austen remake or a World War II drama. Maybe even a medieval romance? You would look hot in chainmail. It's ok though, I'll give your new movie a chance. Even though I'm allready green with envy at Claire Littleton from Lost. In the meantime, take some Claritin D for your vagina allergy. Ok, have a great night darling. xoxo.

Sienna Miller and her Mom and Dad in NYC

 

Obviously I look this stylish walking around with my mom and dad too. Just Kidding!! Sienna always looks amazing. Ok goal of life, to look more like Sienna Miller. 

Oscar WTF - Charlize Theron's Boobalicious Dress

 

I don't even know if this is sexy? Is it? I just think it's weird. Like something a 10 year old Barbie obsessed girl would make on her first sewing machine and then be like...I need to make sure people know it's a girl so I should add flowers where her boobies are. It's not pretty. It kind of reminds me of Princess Leia's cinnabun hairdo but on Charlize's boobs. This makes me really sad because this might be one of my favorite Oscar dresses of all time: 

 

Char, put down the joint, take a good look in the mirror. You are so hot. Don't dress like a mental institution patient. Kay, thanks! xoxo

Worst Oscar Dressed: Miley Cyrus and her Hooker Mother

 

ohmigodohmigodohmigod. I could not watch this little brat on the red carpet without cringing. I could not watch her interviewing on the red carpet with her five packs a day work at a gas station and need to pay my child support voice of a 65 year old valley girl. She really is the worst. Every time I see her on tv my hopes for the future of girls die. Anyway, let's get to the dress. 

Top was wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too small, and my guess is that she might have recently gown a cup size or two (it happens) and she's TERRIFIED that a boob will pop out. A boob or two boobs, mind you. That can only explain her horrendous posture. That, or that she never got yelled at to stand up straight and so she stands around slouching. I bet she has terrible table maners and I bet shes one of those bratty teenagers that never says please and thank you. The botton of the dress is pretty, I will give her that, but the top looks like something my Grandmom would have worn in the 50's underneath her chemise. Completely innapropriate for a 17 year old. But then when you see her mother......

 

I mean, my mom looks just like that. She has long bleach blonde hair and the tan of someone who goes fake baking 4 times a week, and a face caked full of makeup that only the local hooker could love. Yeah, my mom looks just like that. AND my mom goes out clubbing and pAArtying with me. We totally roll like that. 

I mean, this woman is more of a train-wreck than her 17 year old cheap looking daughter. Did she just take her stripper hair and pull it in a side ponytail the way I wear my hair when I am completely hungover and haven't showered in 2 days? I guess some mother daughter relationships are different. My mother spends her time trying to conceal her boobs as much as possible and wearing mom jeans where as Trish Cyrus tries to out-skank her own daughter. To each his own.

I'd like to imagine that Trish got WAAAAASTED and was hitting on all the young guys like Zac Efron and Taylor Lautner. Doesn't that image just melt your cold cold heart? It does mine!

p.s. if you're trying to loose some weight, watch this Miley Cyrus interview and I guarantee you will throw up your lunch.

My Oscar Best Dressed - Dianne Kruger

Ok, ok, I'm sure some of you think that I am sniffing glue when I say this, but to me, in my opinion, the best dressed at the Oscars was my favorite German Blonde, Dianne Kruger.

 

Im sure that many of you think this is the nastiest piece of nasty that you've ever seen, but let me explain. I have this obsession with Dianne. I mean, she's gorgeous. She has such pretty eyes and really good bone structure and she is really classic and she's blonde and as a blonde myself, I have a total soft spot for that. She's letting her natural hair color grow out, which looks like my natural hair color (mousy dirty blonde/poop brown). I think this is a bad move, but all of us fake blondes have been there and thought, hey maybe I'll go au natural and be one of those hippie beauties. It's not working (that means you too Whitney Port) and if she just had a few little baby blonde highlights she would look like the silver screen goddess I know her to be. That aside, I LOVE Dianne's style. She always wears something different yet on trend, and I think that's genius. She never looks like the cookie cutter starlet with "beachy waves" and a boring strapless gown. She always knows how to put on a show. 

This black and white little number has all my favorite elements: black and white, ribbons, ruffles, sparkles, and hair UP (I hate when people wear their hair down with gowns). Look at the back!         

She has the body to pull that dress off too. In a nutshell, I just think Dianne is the cat's meow because shes not afraid to take fashion risks, and often makes a statement with her gowns, which says more than all the Miley Cyruses and Amanda Bynes in Hollywood put together. So there, call me tasteless, but I stand by my choice. Best Dressed = my girl Dianne.

George Clooney's Latest Ho is Trashy

George Clooney's latest "girlfriend" is trashy. She has an armband tatoo. AND you could see her thong through her oscar dress. Observe:

Man, I don't know, call me old fashioned, but I don't like my thong to show through my jeans let alone my oscar dress. I don't know, I hate thongs anyways. I just always picture trashy girls at clubs wearing thongs that stick out of their pants. If I were wearing this dress (well, I'd have to be wearing Spanx, duh) but I would really REALLY try not to have my trash box thong showing.

Linds is looking ROUGH

 

What did she do to herself? ugh.